I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
