Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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