Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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