Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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