Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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