I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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