I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize