I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
