I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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