It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
