"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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