We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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