My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
