very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just high enough for therapy.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize