i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
