i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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