I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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