I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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