I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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