Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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