You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
