I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
