I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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