Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
