How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
