I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
