I never want to see another naked old woman again.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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