Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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