no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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