sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
