I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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