by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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