she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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