sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
