I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
