Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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