Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Are my feet made of real feet?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
