I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
