someone threw a dead crab at me
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize