she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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