Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
MIDGETS
????
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
