They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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