I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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