Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
