sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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