Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
