I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
