Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
