I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
