right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
