my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
