Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
