hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize