dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
