if i can run in heels then i can drive
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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