Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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