that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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