Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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