the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
