His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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