If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
