first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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