my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
time to smoke my breakfast
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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