This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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