I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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