the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
