Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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