I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
