drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
