I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
