Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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