I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
