yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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